


and no one tells you where you went wrong.

by chemicalpixie



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Child Abuse, Gen, If You Like Snape Maybe Don't Read This, Implied/Referenced Sex, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, They're 18 During the Sexy Bits, Trans Male Character, Trans Sirius Black, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:22:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24174286
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chemicalpixie/pseuds/chemicalpixie
Summary: “sirius flinches at the nickname. “don't fucking call me that,” he hisses, his anger low and lurking in his tone like a snake waiting to strike — because sirius black may not be a slytherin, but he is still a black, and snakes are in their blood.”or; sirius black is everything a girl born to the house of black ought not to be.
Relationships: Sirius Black & Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Sirius Black & Lily Evans Potter, Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon - Past
Comments: 15
Kudos: 50





	and no one tells you where you went wrong.

**Author's Note:**

> i recognize that jkr said bellatrix was like ten years older than sirius but given as it is a stupid ass descision i have elected to ignore it. yes it makes the timeline weird re: tonks existing. yes i do not give a single shit.  
> also this is the v first harry potter fic i have ever written, which is INSANE bc it was my main childhood special interest from like ages seven to twelve??? but it's okay bc this means that my first harry potter fic is about a trans character. fuck you jkr. also i made up the hex because none of them did what i wanted but anyways here's wonderwall.
> 
> the title is taken from ‘waving through a window’ from dear evan hansen, which is the song from [this](https://www.tiktok.com/@scootypuff/video/6724085684413484294) tiktok, which gave me the inspiration to write this fic — i didn't wake up yesterday planning to write a 6k word fic abt trans sirius, but i'm not exactly complaining.

a baby is born to the black house under the pitch black sky of halloween night. she kicks and screams and wails as she enters the world, her scrunched up face making her appear already mad. she is christened bellatrix maeve black.

less than three days later, another child is born into the black house. this one comes more quietly, though she is not silent — unlike her cousin, she quiets once her father holds her, and her parents adore her. she is christened cassiopeia laurel black.

bellatrix and cassiopeia are each other’s life.

the first word out of bellatrix’s mouth is ‘pea.’ unusual, to be sure, but her parents laughed. how like their contrary, obstiant, stubborn girl to say the name of something she hates first. 

it is only later they realize that her first word was bellatrix’s attempt to say her cousin’s name.

the first word out of cassiopeia’s mouth is ‘bella.’

* * *

the sorting hat sees the two of them back to back.

in bella, it sees desperation, and cunning, and ambition, and a cold, hard iron core. 

in cassie, it sees desperation, anger, and fierce loyalty, and a core of molten metal.

the sorting hat knows — the house of black’s blood has been green for as long as it can remember, and far be it from it to change that. bellatrix black’s blood is green already — the ambition her parents drilled into her a natural extension of herself. it shouts slytherin almost as soon as it touches her wild mass of untamed inky-black hair.

but cassiopeia is a different matter. there’s the desperation that makes any slytherin worth his wand a good one, but there’s anger, too, and loyalty, and a wavering from the family values. the hat hesitates for a split second as its mouth is already forming slytherin — it barely has to look in the minds of the black family; they’re all cut from the same cloth — but cassiopeia is different. and so the hat screams, “GRYFFINDOR!” before it can change its mind.

with the sorting hat’s screech like a declaration of execution, bellatrix and cassiopeia are seperated for the first time in their very young lives.

* * *

their paths begin to diverge. bella makes friends in her own house — cassiopeia often sees her with the carrow twins, a brutal little girl who stomps on ants during herbology and a little boy who cowers in his sister’s shadow. she’s not sure she likes what she sees in them, but if they make bella happy, so be it. it’s halfway through first year when cassiopeia starts making up excuses to avoid spending time with bella and the carrows, who have become nigh-inseparable. 

she cries herself to sleep the night after bella confronts her about it.

* * *

it’s halfway through their first year when cassiopeia realizes something — the stairs to the girls’ dormitory aren’t working quite right for her anymore. they begin to flatten into a slide whenever she goes up the stairs, even though she’s a girl. it’s midway through the year when they won’t change for her at all, and cassiopeia camps out in the library. she can’t go to bed — not like this. by the time she’s gone through all the books in the library on hogwarts’s castle, the sun is dipping low below the horizon, and she knows one thing, and that is that nothing like this has ever happened before, and maybe her father is right and she is a ‘worthless gryffindor waste of space’ and the stairs are telling her she really doesn’t belong at hogwarts. she’s blinking back tears when lily evans pulls up a chair next to her and the whole story spills from her mouth before she can stop it. she’s a black. she shouldn’t be spewing her emotions to others, to muggleborns no less. but lily’s hand is warm as she clutches cassiopeia's, and cassiopeia sniffles and wipes her tears with her sweater sleeve.

“i don’t know why the stairs _hate_ me,” cassiopeia wails, and lily squeezes her hand, and the fierceness with which she does so makes cassiopeia smile, just a little.

“the stairs only turn into a slide for boys,” lily says, and cassiopeia nods. lily, emboldened, continues, “so maybe you’re not really a girl.”

“what?” cassiopeia says, blinking. “that’s not... no - ”

lily cuts her off. “it happens, sometimes. my uncle used to be my aunt but now he’s not anymore.”

a lot of things about cassiopeia’s life begin to make a lot of sense all of a sudden.

* * *

he names himself after the dog star, after the brightest star in the night sky, and sirius sheds cassiopeia like a second skin and steps into the boy’s dormitory to the sight of james potter giving peter pettigrew a noogie, and he laughs in a way he’s never done before. there’s something different in it; something more free. maybe it's the way he throws his head back and runs his hand through his black hair, which had been choppily cut from its previous waist length to shoulder length by lily in the girl’s bathroom as moaning myrtle whined about the hair they were getting all over her bathroom and threatened to tell a teacher.

kingsley looks up from his book — sirius thought he ought’ve been a ravenclaw, that one — and his brow furrows. “what’ll we call you?” he asks, and something in sirius relaxes. there’s no need to get a professor to make them call him by his name, or lily, who’s been studying hexes since that night in the library in preparation, and when he’d reminded her that she couldn’t get up the stairs to the boy’s dorm, she’d shoved him lightly in the ribs and told him that he’d have to carry her up then.

“sirius,” he says, and james lets go of peter, who falls to the ground and begins to protest loudly. 

“good to meet you, sirius.”

* * *

third year, when they learn about animagi, james pulls sirius and peter aside. “we’re going to be animagi,” he says fiercely, and peter looks at james as if he’s gone mad. 

“why?” peter asks.

james’s eyes are a fire when he speaks, his hushed whispers somehow more passionate than when sirius hears his and bella’s parents and talk about the dark lord and pureblood ideals. “humans can’t be around remus when he transforms,” he says, matter-of-factly.

“unless we want to be werewolves too, james. that’s how it works,” sirius adds, in a dry tone, because he cannot help himself.

james swats at him playfully. “will you shut it?” he hisses. “this is important!”

“okay, okay,” sirius says, and james smiles like the cat that’s eaten the canary.

“if we become animagi, we don’t have to leave remus alone when he transforms,” james finishes, and sirius blinks at him.

“are you bloody serious?” he asks, astonishment evident in his voice.

“no, you are,” james retorts, looking far too smug for an obvious pun.

sirius doesn’t give james the satisfaction of acknowledging his pun. “that’s fucking insane, james. we’ll all fucking die trying to turn ourselves into animagi, and i can’t let that happen because then lily will so bloody angry she’ll resurrect me just to kill me again herself!”

“we’re not going to _die_ ,” james scoffs. “come on, sirius, we’re bloody brilliant. remus is top of our year! we’ll get him to help us.

“we’re going to die?” peter squeaks, and james sighs and ruffles his hair. 

“not if i have anything to say about it, peter.”

* * *

the first time sirius takes turns into a dog, he feels free for the first time in his life. it feels like his body is really his own. he doesn’t have to worry about talking to madame pomfrey about potions that will stop his body from changing into something he doesn’t want it to be, or about the older slytherins calling him names, or about the expectations of his family, or about the way his mother scrunched up her nose in disgust when he tried to get her to call him sirius. he’s not sirius black anymore. he’s free. he’s fucking free.

* * *

“i’ve let this go on long enough,” bella says, and sirius, who is hanging upside down off his bed, pretending to be studying for his owls, and who is in reality is playing paper quidditch, flips upright and blinks at her. 

“let what go on, bella?”

she gestures at him and the wall behind him, hung with gryffindor banners and a poster of a muggle girl that lily had given him. “this! you! mum told me you’d gone soft, that you weren’t a black, that you kept hanging out with mudbloods and mongrels!”

sirius feels his face heat up. “don't you call my friends that.”

she sneers at him. “that's what they _are_ , pea.”

sirius flinches at the nickname. “don't fucking call me that,” he hisses, his anger low and lurking in his tone like a snake waiting to strike — because sirius black may not be a slytherin, but he is still a black, and snakes are in their blood.

she reaches out to stroke his cheek, and sirius flinches away from her. there's a sharp look of hurt in bellatrix's eyes when he flinches back from her touch. “i miss my cousin,” she says. “i miss you. i miss us.”

sirius misses her too — he misses the bright girl he grew up with. the curious one who spent hours with him lying on the floor of his childhood bedroom watching the little galloping horses from the mobile sirius had had hanging on his ceiling go around and around the room and who would sing made up songs with him and who played at being members of the holyhead harpies with him in the back gardens and who chased cissy and regulus and romy up and down the halls having mock duels.

he hasn't seen that girl in years.

“i miss my bella,” sirius hisses, long and low. “i saw you with the carrows, tormenting a fucking first year.”

her face twists with rage. “i saw you with snape!” she snaps. “you and james potter, humiliating and mocking him!”

sirius feels a ball of deep shame boiling in his gut. it had been james’s idea, but sirius hadn’t stopped it. in fact, he’d encouraged it. “that's different!” he protests. “snape's a bloody creep! haven't you seen him skulking around gryffindor tower? he's stalking lily!”

“oh, so snape's a bloody creep, is he?” bellatrix barks, a biting laugh bubbling in her throat. “and that makes it okay to humiliate him, huh?”

“maybe if he stopped stalking lily we wouldn't be fucking humiliating him!” his hands are shaking, which he hates, and he's shouting now, but it's like he can't stop himself even if he tried. even if he wanted to. “did you see her smile? that was the first time she'd smiled in weeks!” lily’s smile had made it all worth it. he’d just wanted to see his best friend smile again.

“oh, so all that matters is making your precious little mudblood happy?” bellatrix sneers. her tone is almost crooning and sweet and if sirius didn't know her he'd think she was happy. 

there’s a long silence, and when sirius finally speaks, it's a low growl that comes from the back of his throat and finally he hears the dog in him, finally understands why the magic chose the big, black dog. “get the fuck out.”

bellatrix blinks at him, her mouth a small ‘o’ of shock. she doesn't move. 

sirius stands up. “i said get the fuck out. and if you call her that again, i won't hesitate to kill you.”

bellatrix's eyes flash a wicked green. “kill me? who do you fucking think you are?” there’s a slow drawl to her tone, and that worries sirius more than if she was yelling at him. she rolls up her sleeve furiously, and there, on her forearm, inked in black, is the dark mark. it's new — he knows that by the angry, red swelling alone. 

“when did you get that?” he whispers. the anger is gone from his voice now — in this moment, it hits him suddenly that the little bella he knew is gone. every part of her that could've been good has been chipped away. she's gone. he’s sensed it before, when he saw her with the carrows, even wondered if the bella he knew might be completely gone, but until now he’s never been quite sure, and — the sight of it hurts more than he thought it would.

she smirks at him, her face nearly unrecognizable. once upon a time, bella could've been his sister, but the girl standing in front of him isn't bella. not anymore.

“i'm sorry, bella,” he says softly. he sits down on his bed again, running a hand through his hair. “i'm sorry. i wish i could've — fuck, bella, your dad... he was never a good person, bells. i saw... i saw what he did to you and your sisters. but that doesn’t mean you have to be like him! shit, bella, you don't have to follow orders for the rest of your life!” he’s going to kill her dad. he’s going to fucking kill cygnus black. he’s... he can see now, what cygnus turned bella into, and sirius is not going to let him break romy or cissy. he won’t. he should’ve done something. he should’ve done something before now. before bella became something so dark and hard and twisted. he should’ve... he should’ve saved bella. she didn’t have to be like this. she shouldn’t have been like this. it was never supposed to end this way.

her eyes are wild now, almost crazed. “don't you see, darling cousin?” she laughs now, wild and hysterical like a mad god. “it's too late now! it's too bloody late! you picked your side. you picked the mudbloods and the mongrels. you chose your fucking side. don't act like you care about me, _sirius_ ,” she says his name like it's acid in her mouth. like it pains her to say. like his name change is a personal slight against her. “you don't. you never did.”

* * *

the summer after his fifth year ends, sirius tells his parents that if they ever call him cassiopeia again, he’ll hex out their tongue so they can never speak again.

the next word that begins to emerge from orion’s mouth began with, ‘ _cass_ -’

if orion black were a better man, we might give him the benefit of the doubt. maybe he was going to say, ‘ **casserole** will be served for supper, sirius.’ or maybe he was giving his son the fatherly advice sirius had always craved, ‘ **cassimere** is an excellent fabric to get dress robes made in.’ unfortunately, orion black is not a better man, and he does not finish the word that has begun to come out of his mouth.

he’s cut off by sirius’s desperate cry of, ‘ _MUTUS!_ ’

orion’s tongue squirms its way out of his mouth of its own accord. walburga screams — not a scream of fear, oh no. walburga black has known far too many dark wizards in her day to be afraid of a petty little hex. she screams in rage, and hurls herself at her elder son. sirius turns on his heel and runs.

when he finally stops running, he’s far enough away that he knows that walburga and orion won’t be able to hear his cries.

* * *

the potters are... nice. there’s no other way to put it. the summer before sixth year is spent with james and remus and peter in james’s bedroom late at night, drinking firewhiskey they’d swiped from the potter’s liquor cabinet and playing strip poker with exploding snap cards, and eating dinner with the potters eating euphemia’s homemade tandoori chicken, and whisking lily away from her family to go to florean fortescue's ice cream parlour, and it’s... _nice_.

it makes sirius uneasy. the potters are too nice, and he keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop. his parents were always nicer when bella and her sisters stayed overnight at their house, so it stands to reason that the potters would be nicer now that he’s staying with them. he’s just waiting for fleamont or euphemia to snap. it’ll be over something simple, he knows it will, it always is — james won’t’ve put his laundry away in time, or james used magic in the house, or james turned into prongs whilst drunk one night while fleamont and euphemia were away and scraped his antlers all the way down the hallway wall.

but it never comes. they’re disappointed that james doesn’t clean up after himself, and magic in the house isn’t allowed until he’s of age, james ought to know better, and really, the scrapes on the wall aren’t something that can’t be fixed.

“when are your parents going to snap?” sirius asks james one night, after a night of playing strip poker wherein he’s chugged half a bottle of firewhiskey. remus and peter have gone home, and it's just him and james now. they’re both leaning back against james’s bed, james stripped down to boxers and socks, sirius — who has always been a better poker player than james — still in a tee shirt that lily’d given him for some muggle band, his binder, and boxers.

james looks at sirius like he hasn’t got any idea what sirius is on about. “what d’ya mean?” he asks, his brow furrowed. 

sirius gestures to the room around them. “like, your room is a mess, and they don’t care? and that one time you turned into prongs and your antlers ruined the hallway walls, and they just... they just said it was fine? they didn’t scream at you or cast a stinging hex on you or anything and - ” sirius can hear the tension in his own voice and he hates it. 

james cuts him off. “sirius, did your parents cast a stinging hex on you as a punishment?” his voice is somber, and sirius feels very small all of a sudden. after a long moment, during which sirius doesn’t say anything, james takes his silence as a yes. “that’s not okay, sirius.”

sirius shrugs. “i mean, it’s fine. like i’m obviously over it, and it’s nowhere near as bad as what my uncle did to bella and romy and cissy, so, you know.” james’s eyes stay locked on him, and sirius feels as though he’s the size of a pixie. “it’s fine, james.”

“it’s... not fine, sirius.” james’s voice is sad and hollow, and sirius wants to take back everything he’s said. he doesn’t want james to feel _bad_ that his parents are so nice and sirius’s aren’t. he knew it was a mistake, asking james. the only people who know what it’s like at home are bella and lily, and lily’s got parents who are shit too, and bella’s his cousin. 

“just. leave it alone, james.” sirius’s voice is thick and he knows he’s going to cry, which he hates. “it’s fine. i promise.”

it isn’t fine.

* * *

halfway through their seventh year, james finally manages to get lily to go out with him, which is a miracle, because now sirius doesn’t have to listen to james moan about his big bloody crush on lily. it’s also a bit of a problem, because sirius has a lot more free time on his hands than he used to now that he doesn’t have to listen to james moan about his big bloody crush on lily.

he ends up in a broom closet with marlene mckinnon at the party after gryffindor wins the quidditch cup. they’re not serious, they never have been, but sirius likes her, and she’s fun, and the way she laughs when she cums is fucking bloody gorgeous, and, well, listen, sirius had to do _something_ after james and lily abandoned him to be all fucking gross and lovey-dovey and shit. 

he’s kneeling in front of her like a resplendent heathen, and she’s smiling down at him, her golden hair hastily pulled up and her skirt hitched above her hips. her panties are around her ankles, and he’s about to go down on her when she runs her hand through his hair and pulls his head back, hard, and sirius’s vision flashes white.

he’s suddenly twelve again, and he’s standing in his kitchen and his father’s got the end of his wand jammed in sirius’s throat, and his hand is in sirius’s hair, and reggie is crying in the background because sirius accidentally knocked him down playing quidditch in the back garden and broke reggie’s wrist and orion black’s breath is hot on his face. 

“you think it’s okay for you to treat your brother like this, little girl?” he hisses, and sirius shakes his head, his heart beating hard and fast in his chest like a pixie trapped in a cage. 

“no, da,” he mutters, trying desperately to move so that it doesn’t feel like his father is going to rip his hair off his head. “please, da, i promise, it was an accident!” his voice is shrill and desperate, and he hates it. he hates it. he wishes he were back at hogwarts, with lily and james and remus and peter. 

orion black jerks sirius’s hair even father back, and sirius screeches. “next time i won’t let you off so easy,” he growls, letting sirius drop to the floor, and —

— and sirius suddenly realizes he’s not in the kitchen of twelve grimmauld place. he’s not even in grimmauld place. not anymore. he’s in a broom closet with marlene, who is staring down at him with wide, scared eyes. 

“you okay?” marlene asks, her voice trembling, and sirius swallows, hard. 

“yeah,” he says, even though he’s not exactly sure it’s true. “yeah, leenie. i’m okay. i just...” he pauses, biting his bottom lip as he tries to think of what to tell her that won’t worry her too much. “yeah, i just have a really sensitive scalp. i’m sorry. i can’t - ” he’s full of restless energy all of a sudden, and he needs to get out of here. this space is so fucking small, and he smiles tightly at marlene, who at this point looks vastly confused more than anything else.

“i’m sorry. rain check, okay?” he says, and kisses her on the cheek, and darts out of the broom closet before she can say anything else.

* * *

lily’s the one who finds him after, hiding in the shack. he’d just... needed to be alone, and the common room had been filled with lights and people and screaming and he couldn’t do it. 

“hey, sirius,” she murmurs, sitting down on the wooden floor across from him. they’re both soaking — the skies had opened up right as alice greenwood had caught the snitch and won the quidditch cup for gryffindor. sirius is glad for the rain, because it means that lily can’t immediately tell he’s been crying. “marlene told me what happened. are you okay?”

“just peachy,” sirius mutters, not meeting her eyes. “just fucking peachy, lils.”

lily frowns at him. he notices she’s got lipstick smeared all around her mouth, and smirks at that. “sirius basileus black, don’t you fucking _dare_ make a blowjob joke right now,” she says, trying to sound serious and biting back a smile.

sirius laughs and mock-pouts at her. “but this is the perfect opportunity for one,” he retorts. his smile fades faster than he’d like.

“sirius.” her voice is somber and sirius realizes she’s put on her head girl voice, and so he reluctantly meets her eyes, because they both know lily only does that when she means business. “was it your parents? do you want to talk about it?”

sirius starts to run a hand through his hair and stops, grimacing at the memory of ~~marl~~ orion’s fingers pulling on his hair. “i’m good.” she frowns at him again, and before she can say anything, sirius adds, “really, lils. i just wasn’t expecting marlene to tug on my hair like that. she’s never done that before, and i just...” he exhales, looking up at the ceiling and blinking back tears. “i dunno. reminded me of something my da did once when i was little.”

“yeah, i kinda figured,” lily says, and even though her tone is soft, there’s still a smugness in it at being right. 

sirius gapes at her. “oh, good for bloody you,” he says dryly. “you guessed that my panic attack right before sex was produced by my childhood trauma! it’s not fucking hard to gather that one. i reckon even snivellus could’ve put two and two together.”

lily snorts a laugh and shoves him lightly. “shove off, sirius.”

he pulls her in for a hug instead as she squirms, trying to act as though she’s mad at him. she’s not, they both know that — her laughter gives her away. sirius is laughing, too, and he forgets for a moment what brought them here.

* * *

“ladies and gentlemen, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of james sandeep potter and lily jacqueline evans, and to that i say, fucking finally!” sirius laughs at his own joke, and he can see euphemia shaking her head at him from her table. she’s long since given up on policing his language and is now simply mildly bemused by it. “because, and i’m gonna need you to take my word for it here, but james’s been pining after lily since we were fourteen! when they finally got together, i had so much free time i was almost bored! i had to get my own girlfriend just so i didn’t drive remus and peter up the wall. speaking of which, hi leenie! love you and i hope you don’t still hate me for that time i said we definitely had time for a quickie before class in the bathrooms and we most certainly did _not_ have enough time for a quickie before class in the bathrooms. also, i’ve got my fingers crossed that this speech finally makes you sorry you dumped me the day after valentine’s day — that was a bloody dick move.” his eyes meet maureen’s own. sirius smiles at her, sickeningly sweet, and she rolls her eyes at him. he snorts a laugh at this — there were never really any hard feelings between the two of them, anyway. 

“but enough about me! i for one am glad that lily agreed to marry james, because otherwise remus and peter and i would _NEVER_ have let him live that one down.” james flips sirius off from the table where he’s sitting next to lily, and sirius laughs. “and james, i’d say that if you hurt her, i’m legally obligated to kick your ass, but seeing as lily potter is a badass motherfucking witch, i don’t think she really needs my help in that department,” he pauses, and takes a sip of his mead before continuing. “and, lily, seriously — you all have ten seconds to laugh at that before i hex anyone who laughs at that low hanging fruit — james is my blood. he’s my brother. you’re so lucky to be marrying into the potter family, and i say that as an honorary member. and now, let’s get to the most important part of any wedding — cheers for the happy couple and firewhiskey shots!”

* * *

this can’t be fucking right. it can’t be. something must have gone wrong. something must’ve happened. peter wouldn’t —

sirius is shaking as he stares at the rubble of what used to be the potter house. no, something must be wrong. james must be — it must be a prank or something, because the body at his feet isn’t james. it can’t be. his neck is twisted all wrong and he’s just laying there and james potter can’t be dead he can’t be dead he can’t be fucking dead and —

— and a baby’s cry startles sirius out of his thoughts and he realizes. he picks through the rubble until he reaches what must’ve been harry’s room and the first thing he realizes is that the sweep of red in front of him isn’t a carpet but instead is lily’s hair, spread out like she’s underwater. he chokes back a sob. lily can’t be dead. she can’t be. lily, his first real friend at hogwarts. lily, who offered to hex anyone giving him trouble about his transition even though they were both first years. lily was his best friend before james. she can’t be dead. she can’t be. this is all so wrong this is all fucking wrong something’s so fucking wrong with the universe they can’t be dead they can’t something’s all gone so horribly wrong and harry cries again and sirius steps over lily’s limp body and picks up harry.

“hey, buddy,” he says, nervously, trying to hold back his sobs. he can’t cry in front of harry. he can’t. “hey, it’s okay. we’re just going to go back to my place because your parents are... ” he pauses. he can’t tell harry lily and james are dead. hell, he can’t tell himself that. it feels so contradictory. lily potter, the girl with a fire in her eyes and hair made of sunset, can’t be dead. james potter, the boy with optimism like the sun and his recklessness that guides him like a compass and his grin like a fickle god, can’t be dead. sirius can’t believe it. it can’t be real. it can’t be fucking real. they can’t be dead. there’ve been so many deaths already — sirius blankly thinks it’ll be a fucking miracle if a single member of their graduating class makes it to their twenty-fifth birthday — first it was mary macdonald, the summer after their sixth year, and then eugene thomas, and then marlene and her sisters, and then benjy, and then dorcas, and then prewitt twins, and now james and lily. there’s so few of them left, and the few that are, well...

most of them are death eaters, sirius would bet his life on it. it hits him a second later, what he’s just thought, and a sickening laugh bursts from his throat. 

“well, that was a poor choice of words, wasn’t it, buddy?” he asks harry, despite knowing that harry’s too young to speak, and hopefully too young to remember what’s happened here. somewhere in the back of sirius’s mind, something dully reminds him that it’s bella’s twenty-second birthday today. he can’t imagine what she’s doing — probably celebrating with you-know-who and her husband. he can see her now, in his mind’s eye, angry and power-hungry and broken and _wrong_ , just like her parents wanted her to be. 

“give me the baby,” a voice says, and sirius has drawn his wand before he fully knows what’s happening.

when he finally processes the figure in front of him, sirius realizes he’s aiming his wand at hagrid, and he lowers it. “and why should i?” he asks. 

“dumbledore’s orders,” hagrid says gruffly. “you were their secret keeper, black. you killed them.”

the words hit sirius like a punch to the gut. he _has_ killed them. if they hadn’t changed secret keepers — if the secret keeper had been him, lily and james would still be alive. he half-laughs, half sobs, and hagrid looks at him, puzzled.

“we changed it,” he cries, his voice throaty and broken. “it was peter.” it’s the first time he’s said it aloud, and it’s the first time that it really hits him. peter’s a fucking little snitch. peter betrayed them. peter told voldemort where they were. peter’s the reason they’re dead. 

sirius is going to make sure peter lives long enough to regret that. sirius is going to fucking kill peter himself. that fucking bloody coward.

“give me harry,” hagrid repeats, a frown marring his face. 

“no,” sirius says. “no, i won’t. i’m his godfather. i’m not giving you harry. i’m not putting him down until peter bloody pettigrew is dead in the fucking ground and - ” sirius is cut off by his own sobs. 

“give me harry,” hagrid says, more softly now. “i’ll keep him safe. we’ll go straight to dumbledore, harry and me. merlin’s honor.” hagrid half-smiles at that, and his eyes crinkle and and sirius thinks, ‘ _james’s eyes crinkle when he smiles too_ \- ’ and then it hits him all over again. james’s eyes won’t crinkle when he smiles anymore because james won’t smile because james is dead.

“promise?” sirius asks, carefully stepping towards hagrid, harry in one arm and his wand in the other. hagrid nods, and takes harry gently from sirius, and sirius blinks back sobs. “take the motorbike,” sirius says. “you’ll get him to dumbledore faster.” he does not say, ‘ _it will be safer because the death eaters won’t be monitoring the skies for a half giant and a baby,_ ’ but he does think it.

“thank you,” hagrid says, and steps onto the motorbike and drives away, harry bundled up in his coat. sirius lets out a wail, a keening mourning cry, as he watches them go.

* * *

“i’d say i don’t want to hurt you, peter,” sirius growls, his voice low and rough from sobs. “but we both know that’s not true.” 

peter laughs, his laugh high and hysterical. “don’t you see, sirius? i did what i had to do!” in that moment, sirius sees bellatrix superimposed over him, her laughter echoing in his ears. he hadn’t saved them. he hadn’t saved either of them. this is all his fault.

if he’d just known —

if he had cared for peter more —

if he hadn’t abandoned bella —

a sob rips through his chest, and he raises his wand. “peter, i’m so sorry,” he says. he’s never cast an unforgivable curse before — it's the first time he's ever meant it. the first time the fire has consumed and swallowed him whole. he wishes desperately that he didn't mean it, but.

but sometimes something unforgivable can be a mercy. 

“ _avada_ \- ” he cries through his sobs, but he’s cut off by peter’s desperate, shrill shriek.

“confringo!” the explosion that follows is blinding burst of light and heat that nearly knocks sirius off his feet. when he can see again, he can see rubble surrounding the two of them, and peter wears a smirk that’s a mirror image of bella’s. sirius wants to scream ‘ _stop smiling like that! stop reminding me i couldn’t save her either!_ ’ but he doesn’t. he can’t. he can’t think about bella. she’s gone. he’s known that for years.

“peter, you bloody little rat!” sirius screams, frustration leaking through his tone. a muggle’s car alarm is going off, shrill and repetitive. sirius closes in on peter, who falls backwards, scrambling back to get away from sirius.

“sirius, you don’t have to do this,” peter pleads, cowering, and sirius clenches his wand so hard his knuckles go white. he rips peter’s wand from his hand and tosses it aside. 

“and you didn’t have to betray james and lily!” sirius growls, his voice rough from where it’s been resting in the back of his throat. “but here we are.” he laughs almost hysterically, and raises his wand, murmuring, “i’m sorry, peter,” as though it’s one last prayer that can save his soul before he kills one of his best friends.

“it was him!” peter yells, desperate and pleading. “sirius black betrayed the potters, and now he’s going to kill me!” sirius blinks. who peter is yelling to, he doesn’t know, but it doesn’t matter. he closes his eyes. he can’t bear to watch himself do this.

“ _avada_ \- ”

there’s a scream, and a flash of silver, and then warm, hot blood splashes onto sirius’s face, and then peter’s gone before sirius can finish the curse. 

sirius screams in rage. peter can’t get away. he _can’t_. sirius has already lost so much — first leenie, then most of their class, then james and lily. he can’t bear it. their deaths have to mean something. he has to avenge them. he has to 

“sirius, i hate to do this to you,” a voice that distinctly isn’t peter’s says cooly. “but we should’ve known.” sirius looks up from the crater peter’s blasting curse made, and he can see a group of aurors standing above him, headed by kingsley.

“once a black, always a black,” alice ~~greenwo~~ longbottom mutters, raising her wand. the look in her eyes is dark and sirius can’t bear it. little alice greenwood, their seeker, the girl he’d been potions partners with for seven years. he’d been at her _wedding_! she can’t really... she can’t believe this was him. sirius would have died before he betrayed james and lily. 

“please,” sirius murmurs, the shock evident on his face. “please, i swear. i didn’t. we changed it at the last minute. it was peter. all of it. i swear, you have to believe me. i would’ve died rather than betray james and lily, please, kingsley.”

“why should we believe you?” frank longbottom asks, his tone disdainful. “pettigrew’s not got family following the dark lord. you do.” even loyal hufflepuffs can be broken, sirius thinks. even frank longbottom, hufflepuff beater is turning on him all of a sudden. they’d gone to school together — he can’t really think that sirius did this. he wouldn’t. 

it hits him, all of a sudden. peter’s going to get away with murder. no one’s going to believe him. they hadn’t even told remus they’d switched, just to be safe, and a bitter laugh escapes his throat. this is when he realizes. it’s all over. there’s nothing left he can say or do to convince them that it wasn’t him. once a black, always a black, indeed.

kingsley raises his wand again, and sirius meets his eyes briefly. “don’t bother,” he murmurs darkly. “i’ll come quietly.” 

and as they apparate him to azkaban, the last thing that sirius black thinks as a free man is, ‘ _oh, god, today’s my twenty-second birthday,_ ’ and the knife in his heart twists a little more because the only thing he can think is that lily and james are never going to get to be twenty-two.


End file.
